Funeral tips

A eulogy is a well-crafted speech intended to commemorate a loved one who has died. It is usually presented at a memorial service or funeral by someone who was close to the deceased and knows them well.

A eulogy may contain:

• A condensed life history of the loved one
• Details about family, friends, work/career, interests and achievements
• Favourite memories of the loved one
• Favourite poems, songs, quotes or religious writings

The most touching and meaningful eulogies are written from the heart. A eulogy does not have be perfect. Whatever you write and deliver will be appreciated by the people in attendance.

A eulogy does take time to prepare and is often delivered in five to fifteen minutes.

What you might need

• Memories, stories and little moments you remember
• A favourite poem, quote or reading (if that feels right)
• Pen and paper or a computer
• Tissues or a hanky (just in case)

First things first

Writing a eulogy is a real privilege. It is your chance to help everyone remember the person you have lost and to bring them into the room again through your words. You will be sharing who they were, what they loved and the memories that made them special. It is okay to feel nervous. Just know that what you are doing really matters.

Start with your own memories

Think about your connection with them. How did you meet? What did you do together? What made you laugh? What will you miss the most? These personal touches are what make a eulogy feel real and heartfelt.

Talk to others

Chat with family, friends, or even workmates. They might have stories or details you didn’t know and those can help round out the picture. You might want to include:

• When they were born and how old they were
• Who they were close to
• What they did for work or fun
• Where they lived
• Things they were proud of

Get organised

Use whatever works best for you: a notebook, your phone or a computer. Some people like to keep things serious, others prefer a lighter tone. A mix of both usually works well; it lets people feel the sadness, but also smile at the good memories. Try to keep it short and sweet, especially if others will be speaking too.

Write like you talk

Don’t worry about sounding fancy. Just write the way you would speak to a friend. People will connect more with your natural voice than with something overly polished. Most importantly, speak from the heart.

Tweak and polish

Once you have written a draft, read it out loud. You might notice things to change or improve. You can also ask someone you trust to listen and give feedback. Let it sit for a bit, then come back to it with fresh eyes.

Practice makes it easier

Read it through a few times so you feel comfortable. You don’t need to memorise it, just be familiar enough that you are not glued to the page. Print it out or use notes and maybe make the text a bit bigger so it is easy to read.

When it is time to speak

Even if you are used to public speaking, this can be tough. Take a deep breath, think of the person you are honouring and begin. Speak slowly, and don’t be afraid to pause if you need to. If you get emotional, that is completely okay, it just shows how much they meant to you.

A few extra tips

• Wear something comfortable and respectful
• Keep water and tissues nearby
• Have someone ready to step in if you need (make sure you have a copy of your speech just in case)
• It is okay to cry. Remember, this is a moment of love and remembrance. If you are unable to carry on, defer to your back-up person.

Funerals are a time to show respect and support, and you may wonder what is appropriate to wear or bring.

Unless otherwise specified, it is best to dress in modest, subdued colours. Dark clothing is traditional, but not always required. Some families actually prefer you to wear bright colours or casual dress to reflect the personality of their loved one. Comfortable but respectful footwear is also a good choice, especially for services that include a graveside component.

You can bring a sympathy card or flowers, though many families now suggest donations to a chosen charity instead. If you are unsure, it is perfectly okay to ask us or one of the family members.

Including children in a funeral can help them begin to understand and process loss. It is important to prepare them gently. For example, by letting them know what to expect, who will be there, and that it is okay to feel sad, ask questions or simply observe.

Depending on their age and comfort level, children may want to participate by handing out service sheets, reading a short poem, placing a flower or drawing a picture or writing a note to put in the casket.

Bringing quiet activities, snacks or a familiar toy can also help younger ones feel more settled during the service.

Our team is happy to help make the space welcoming for all ages.

Once the funeral is over, the support from others may begin to quieten while your grief journey continues. It is completely natural to feel a mix of emotions, from sadness and anger to relief or numbness. Be gentle with yourself and take things one day at a time.

Talking with family or friends, keeping a journal or simply allowing yourself to rest can all help.

If you feel overwhelmed and don’t know who to turn to, know that Grief Support Services is available to you. They provide counselling and information for everyone experiencing grief and loss within the Western Bay of Plenty.